Archive | July 2012

Ms. Heddy Through it all Chapter 4 Angel Doll

I was upstairs playing with the kids when the door bell rang. As I walked down the steps I could smell the scent of his Brut Cologne in the air. The first thing I saw was Leon looking through the screen door smiling at me. His smiling face warmed my heart. For a few moments I just stood there admiring him and smiling back. He was wearing a blue long sleeve shirt with black pants and his rose-tinted sun glasses as usual. He never took them off—not even when he kissed me. I wondered what his eyes looked like underneath them.

“Hi Leon” I opened the door.

“Hi Angel.” he walked in and kissed me on the cheek, then walked over to the living room couch, sat down and crossed his legs. I walked over and sat down beside him. “I didn’t bring any records today.” he said.  I noticed he was wearing black nylon socks.  Like always, his finger nails were neatly groomed. Nobody in Meadville wore nylon socks. I just had to touch and feel them.  I ran my finger down his ankle. They felt soft like women’s stockings.

“So, how was your day? he asked smiling.

“It was okay. I took the kids to the park again.” He reached for my hand and held it and he kissed me gently then put my hand on his lap taking my hand and rubbing it along his leg. Then he moved my hand slowly onto the warm, bulge inside his pants, and whispered softly in my ear, “I want you baby.” Leon sent several kisses, gently pecking on my lips. “Can I have you?” he said looking in my eyes as he waited for my answer. I was embarrassed to touch him that way and I didn’t know how I should react. At first I just let my hand lay there, but Leon took it and made it rub him again. I got the feeling that he wanted me to rub him there, so I did. My mind was foggy and my body was excited; it was hard to think clearly. The physical sensations coming from my body were confusing and the bulge was getting bigger and bigger.

“You already have me Leon.” I didn’t have to wonder what to say it just popped up in my mind automatically. What Aunt Carm had always said; “If a boy asks you to raise your dress say ‘no’. If you do it, something terrible will happen,” kept repeating over and over again in my mind. She never explained what would happen. I guess she had a just say no philosophy. I was scared to death of what might happen. If there ever would be a time to say ‘no’ it was now.Leon kept trying to slip his hand into my slacks. Every time his hand went below my waist, I stopped him and held his hand firmly. He could kiss me passionately, and caress my breasts even suck on my nipples, but that was it. I liked the way he made me feel. I was too busy enjoying it to know that I was playing with fire and that fire was blazing hotter and hotter by the second.

“Do you love me?” he asked holding my hand. I thought about it for a moment, I wasn’t sure how it felt to be in love. I knew I had never felt that way about anyone. And I never had those kinds of experiences with anyone else.

“I think I do.”

He let go of my hand and gave me a serious look. “What do you mean you think you do?”

“I never felt like this before Leon, I’m not sure.” How do I know if it’s true love? I thought.

“I love you Heddy.” He French kissed me plunging his hot tongue inside my mouth.

“Do you love me baby?” he whispered kissing me again gently on the lips.

I thought, maybe I should just tell him ‘I do’ so he would stop asking.

“Mm, Yes, Leon, I love you.” I kissed him on his neck and stroked his head and down his shoulders. He held me tight and French kissed me again passionately. Leon slipped his hands inside my slacks. But I stopped his hand again and held onto it tightly.

“No baby. Please don’t. We can’t,” I whispered in his ear.

“Why not? I love you. Don’t you love me?”

“Mama will kill me.” I thought about what Mama always said: “Boys flock to the bad girls, but they marry the good girls.”

“She’s not here! How’s she going to know?” He shrugged his shoulders. “Are you going to tell her?”

“No, I wouldn’t tell her.”

“Well I’m not going to tell her. So, how would she know if neither of us tells her?” That made sense, but Mama had ways of finding stuff out—then all hell would break loose. Most people say ‘fear God,’ but I feared Mama—with God I had a chance. Mama was a strong disciplinarian she gave my sister and I one chance to do what she told us to do, after that our behind was hers. She never forgot or let anything go: consistency was the motto she lived by.

“But something could happen.” I looked down fiddling with the buttons on my blouse.

“Like what Heddy?”

I looked up at him. “I could end up pregnant.”

“Is that what’s worrying you Angel? I won’t get you pregnant. I promise I’ll be careful.” He unbuttoned my blouse, kissed my nipples, and waited again for my answer.

“No, I can’t! I pushed him away.”

“Come on baby, I need you. I want you so bad.” His hand pushed my hand over toward his bulge again. “Feel that?” It was big and hard as a rock. “That’s how bad I want you. I can’t go home like this!” I didn’t know what to do or say; my body was going crazy with anticipation and desire. All I could think about was what Mama and Aunt Carm warned me about.

Leon kissed me on my cheek and then my ear. The next thing I knew his hot wet tongue was inside my ear licking. My body went limp. He quickly stuck his hand inside my slacks and down into my panties. His fingers searched tenderly until he found the opening of my portal. I gasped for a breath of air, and went even weaker as he went deeper inside with his finger. It felt good until he reached a spot that hurt like hell.

“Stop Leon, that hurts!” I shouted. I pulled his hand from inside my panties and pushed him away.

“I’m sorry Angel I didn’t mean to hurt you.” We sat there on the couch silently for what seemed like a long time before he tried again. He kissed me and licked and sucked on my nipples. Then I heard the sound of his zipper unzipping. He put my hand on his private which was out of his pants and harder and standing straight up in the air. My body wanted him in ways I was too young to understand at fourteen.

He whispered in my ear, “I’m young, dumb, and full of cum.”

“If you loved me you’d let me.”

“That hurts, shoot! If you loved me you wouldn’t ask.”

He sat there silently for what seemed like a longtime, then stood up and walked towards the door and looked back at me with his tinted shades still in place. “Good night Angel see you tomorrow.” He left closing the door behind him.


The Revision Process: Rewriting with “Know-How”

Cover of "Bird by Bird: Some Instructions...

Cover via Amazon

By Linda Joy Myers

I’m pleased to present a guest blog post by Kathy Pooler. She has been in my workshops and is one of my premier blogger friends.

The beautiful part of writing is that you don’t have to get it right the first time, unlike say, a brain surgeon. You can always do it better, find the exact word, the apt phrase, the leaping simile.” Robert Cormier

One of the greatest benefits of a critique group is receiving constructive feedback that enables you to take your writing to the next level. That can only happen if you allow yourself to be open to hearing from others what is working and what is not. I have been participating in Linda Joy’s Spiritual Autobiography and Healing Memoir Teleworkshops since January, 2010, where I have learned that writing is truly rewriting.

Revision is part of the process, as much as we’d like to think we can get it done on the first try.

Let’s face it, we all want our readers to fall in love with our little darlings. Our stories are our babies. We have created them with our own hearts and hands, but sometimes we are so close to our own words that we can’t see the discrepancies, missteps and omissions–the tweaks here and there that will make our stories and our characters become alive on the pages. Learning to self-edit is essential to our growth as writers. Read this excellent post by author, Nicola Morgan, comparing self-editing to weeding a garden.

Jody Hedlund, author of several Christian novels, Preacher Bride and The Doctor’s Lady, has an excellent blog post on her reactions to her own revision process “Getting Feedback That Makes You Cry.” About the “initial sting” of feedback, she states, “You need to give it some time and then come back to the suggestions with humble and objective eyes.” I really appreciate Jody’s honest sharing about the human aspect of receiving feedback.

The point is we have to be able to separate our emotions from the process of revising, and convince ourselves that revising will make our stories stronger.

We have to get over ourselves so we can go on to craft the best story in the best way.

“Writing is rewriting” is a common mantra in writing circles. In his book, Revision and Self-Editing, novelist James Scott Bell, talks about the importance of “rewriting with know-how” and lists the following tips in the revision process:

* Cool -Down …Take a break and walk away when your first draft is done.

* PrepareRead through your first draft completely for the first time.

* Print out and prepare a fresh copy…with red felt pen and notepad handy.

* Get ready to read your manuscript… in a couple of sittings.

* Use outside readers…for objective opinions.

* Analyze… Does my story make sense, is my plot compelling, are my characters believable? Think about the effect on your reader as you write and revise, particularly in the later stages. Then, there’s the idea of deciding when our manuscript is done–after we’ve rewritten, incorporated feedback, deleted, added on, transformed our story and owned it. Perhaps this is another topic for another time.”

It seems to me that it’s essential to accept writing as rewriting, and revising as a natural part of the process. Constructive feedback helps us to see our blind spots, and offers us a chance to see through another reader’s eyes. These steps strengthen our stories and give them every possible chance to get into the hands of readers who will devour them with the same gusto it took for us to write them.

Perhaps the real starting point is when we accept that our first draft is lousy and needs to be rewritten, revised, and reconstructed. In her book, Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott calls a first draft “a child who is let loose and romps all over.”

I’d love to hear how you feel about revising and editing your work.

Are you rewriting with “know-how?”

Any ideas on how to get through the revision process as painlessly as possible?

Linda Joy Meyers is the founder & president of the National Memoir Writers Association

The Science of Dreaming

Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 2012

Are you fascinated by the nightly parade of visual images that march across your mind? Working with your dreams in another way to understand the hidden-away parts of yourself. Dreams are direct communication from your unconscious parts of yourself. The images and patterns presented in your dreams have some basis in reality. Your dreams are a gold mine of information for you if you are receptive to taking the time to understand them. Here’s what my friend John Freedom said about dream interpretation to harvest important information about yourself:

“Dreams are direct reflections of what our subconscious minds are thinking and feeling. They are symbolic attempts at representing and problem-solving the deep issues of our lives. Understanding your dreams is a powerful way to understanding and knowing yourself, deeply and intimately. Interpreting your own dreams can be revealing, enlightening and fun. You know your own self best and you can best interpret your own dreams.”

Bob Hoss, another friend of mine, founded the DreamScience Foundation which sponsors research on dreaming. Bob is a former president of the International Association for the Study of Dreams, and is on the faculty of the Haden Institute and a Director with the Soul Medicine Institute. Hoss has many resources for people interested in working with their unconscious mind and their dreams. There are fourteen radio shows on the science of dreaming which can be accessed through his web site at

What Does My Dream Mean?

Hoss’s dream guide worksheet can be downloaded in a pdf file at

Step #1 – Record the Dream: tell or record the dream as if you are re-experiencing it (use first person, present tense). Give the dream a short meaningful name, one that spontaneously comes to you.

Step #2 – Life Situation: record any emotionally significant situation that is going on in your life at the time.

Step #3 – Metaphors in the Dream Story: Look for phrases in your description of the dream, or activities in the dream, that also sound like a figurative description of something going on, or a way you feel, in your life at the time. Describe the situation, who was involved and how you felt at the time. How might this life story relate to the dream story?

Step #4 – Work with the Dream Imagery using the “6 magic questions”:

a) Pick one or more dream images (things or characters) that you are “drawn to”, seem important, curious or emotionally significant to you. You might try picking a colored dream image so that you can work on both the image and the color.

b) Let the Image Speak – Go back into the dream and bring the image (that thing in your dream) to your mind’s eye. Take three deep breaths, bring the image closer and on the 3rd breath imagine yourself as that thing in your dream. Now speak as the dream image would. You can try a simple approach and just state what you are and how you feel in that role in the dream (this will provide some basic associations). A more comprehensive approach is to answer the following 6 questions and record your statements. Speak in the first person present tense, using “I am” statements. If “becoming” the dream image is too difficult then imagine yourself asking the dream image these questions, and imagine what the answer might be.

1. Who or what are you (describe yourself and how you feel): “I am ______”
Alternatively – if the dream character is someone you know, then as that person:
a. describe your personality;
b. in what ways are you like the dreamer;
c. in what ways you are different.
2. What is your purpose or function (what do you do)? “My purpose is to _________”
3. What do you like about being that dream element? “I like ____________”
4. What do you dislike about being that dream element? “I dislike ____________”
5. What do you fear most as that dream element? “I fear _____________”
6. What do you desire most as that dream element? “What I desire most is to _________”

Step #5 – Relate to a Life Situation: Now look at the statements as if it is YOU speaking them about YOUR life. Do one or more of the statements sound like a way you feel or a situation in your waking life? Do the “I am” and “My purpose” statements sound like a role you are playing in waking life? Do the “I like” versus “I dislike” statements sound like a conflict going on within you? Do the “I fear” and “I desire” statements sound like waking life fears and desires, perhaps feeding the conflict? If the dream character is a person you know, do one or more of the personality statements relate to a manner in which you are approaching the waking life situation? Or alternatively, does this dream character have a personality trait that you admire or wish you had more of, in order to better handle this waking life situation? Describe the waking life situation and any new feelings or awareness’s that the dreamwork has revealed.

Hoss also has instructions on how to use color to assess your dreams and how to use your dreams to enhance your life. In addition, he and his wife Lynn, have a technique that combines The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) with finding the meaning of your dream and using tapping to release uncomfortable dream content. See the Energy Psychology link at his website to get these instructions.

Want to understand more about your dreams or the science about dreaming? See Hoss’s book Dream Language: Self-Understanding through Imagery and Color.

Five Reasons Why Your Life Will Improve By Writing Memoir

By Sue William Silverman

Sue William Silverman is an award-winning memoir author, a writing teacher in the MFA Program at Vermont College of Fine Arts, and the author of Fearless Confessions: A Writer’s Guide to Memoir.

Five Reasons Why Your Life Will Improve By Writing Memoir

Growing up, I lived a double life. On the face of it, we seemed like a normal, happy family: My father had an important career. We lived in nice houses and wore pretty clothes. But all this seeming perfection was a veneer, masking the reality that my father sexually molested me, a reality never spoken aloud.

Later, as an adult, I continued to live a double life: this time as a sex addict. Again, in public, I appeared normal, with a seemingly good marriage. No one knew that the shiny façade hid dark secrets: I cheated on my husband.

Before I began to write, I didn’t fully understand the effects of the past on the present. Instead, for years, the past appeared in my mind’s eye like faded black-and-white photographs, in which no one, especially me, seemed to be fully alive.

Then I started putting words on the page. Finally, I chose to examine my past.

I encourage you, and you, and you, to explore, through writing, your life, as well. Whether your childhood was traumatic or not, whether your current life is in disarray, chances are you do have a story to tell. Whether, say, you’re figuring out a divorce, taking notes about a recent illness, exploring the disruption caused by a parent in the military, or worrying about a visit with an estranged mother, we write memoir to better understand ourselves, as well as to bring a reader with us on our journeys.

Here are five reasons why your life will be improved by writing a memoir, by telling your own story.

One: Memoir Helps You Understand the Past. I gain much clearer insights about my past when I write, than if I simply sit around thinking about it, in the abstract. What was the relationship between the sex addiction and being molested by my father? How did the past cause such emotional devastation? I discovered the answers to these important questions through the written word.

Writing is a way to interact with—and interpret—the past. It helps us make sense of events, whether they are traumatic, joyful, or maybe just confusing. Writing sharpens our senses so that images and details from the past emerge in a new context, one that illuminates events for ourselves as well as for our readers.

Two: Memoir Organizes Your Life. Just living my life day by day, I never stop long enough to question events. There’re errands to run, meals to cook—to say nothing of emotional clutter! Who has time to stop and think about events swirling around us?

Only when I put my everyday life on hold, so to speak, sit down at my computer and write, can I even begin to see a pattern to the rush-and-tumble of life.

Memoir writing, gathering words onto pieces of paper or on a computer, helps us shape our lives. By discovering plot, arc, theme, and metaphor, we give our lives an organization, a frame, which they would not otherwise have. Memoir creates a narrative, a life story.

Three: Memoir Helps You Discover Your Life Force. Before I wrote, while I kept secrets, I didn’t feel as if I were really living my life. I didn’t have a clear grasp as to who I was. What, and who, was the essence of “me”? There are thousands of other incest survivors. How was my story different?

When writing, if I forge even one good sentence on any given day, I have discovered a kernel of emotional truth. I feel that life force of “me,” as if it’s my pulse. To write is to give birth to a more complete self.

There is only one of you. Your voice is unique. If you don’t express yourself, if you don’t fully explore who you are, that essence of you will be lost.

Four: Memoir Helps Others to Heal. One thing I most love about writing memoir, is that it affords me the opportunity to meet many courageous people, still struggling.

For example, after I completed a reading at a library in Athens, Georgia, one woman waited until everyone else had departed. Approaching me, she was so scared she began to cry. She confided that I was the first person she’d told that her father had molested her. She was too traumatized even to tell a therapist. Why did she confide in me, trust me? Simply because I had written my story. Through this meeting, both of us were empowered.

Five: Confessing, through Memoir, is Good for the Soul. Telling family secrets—any intimate secret—can be scary. Finally, however, I reached a place where not telling the secrets was worse. I felt heavy, weighted down. Finally, then, it was more a relief to write my life, then ignore it. So even though at times I felt scared or uncomfortable, I ultimately felt a sense of release and power.

In short, with every word the pain lessened. It was as if I extracted it, one word at a time.

As you challenge yourself, you’ll feel more courageous every day. Writing memoir energizes your psyche, nourishes your soul.

About the author: Sue William Silverman’s memoir Love Sick: One Woman’s Journey through Sexual Addiction is also a Lifetime TV movie. Her memoir Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You won the AWP Award. Fearless Confessions: A Writer’s Guide to Memoir won honorable mention from ForeWord Review. Her poetry collection is Hieroglyphics in Neon. She teaches in the MFA Program at Vermont College of Fine Arts. Please visit